There are millions of crunchy mamas out there, drinking kombucha and getting their boho chic on.
Are you a crunchy mama?
Take this test to find out.
- You had a candle-lit home birth in a flower-petal-filled tub on a moonlit night. Yes/No
- You did not cut off your baby’s genitalia. Not your boy baby, not your baby girl. Yes/No
- You use ONLY organic cloth diapers, thank you very much. Viva la fluff! Yes/No
- Cloth diapers? No way! You do infant pottying at least half the time! Yes/No
- Co-sleeping every night, feet in face be damned! Yes/No
- Breast is best, you feed Bébé on demand, and don’t give a hoot about covering up. Yes/No
- There’s never been a bottle of formula in your house. No poison for pee wee. Yes/No
- You’ve breastfed someone else’s baby. Sistahs unite. Yes/No
- Homemade organic baby food. No pouches or jars for your wee one. Yes/No
- Baths optional, but no more than once or twice a week. Yes/No
- Your kids think kale stalks are “popsicles” and plain yogurt with berries is “dessert.” Yes/No
- “If it’s yellow, let it mellow” is the motto in your house. Yes/No
- You have one or more tattoos or extra piercings. Yes/No
- No razors in your house. Why should there be? Your partner thinks leg hair is SEXY and you like a hippie beard. Yes/No
- You use a silicone menstrual cup or reusable sanitary napkins. Yes/No
- You soak said rags in gray water. Yes/No
- You use said gray water to water the house plants. Yes/No
- Your kids have never had an antibiotic. That one ear infection responded to an onion muff and garlic mullein oil. Yes/No
- You make judicious choices about vaccines and sometimes think the CDC should go f**k itself. Yes/No
- You let your kids walk barefoot, as often as they want. Yes/No
- You make homemade granola, bake your own whole wheat bread, and make most food from scratch. Yes/No
- Your kids love tempeh, tofu, kombucha, persimmons, goji berries, coconut smiles, Jerusalem artichokes, nori, turmeric, flax seeds, dates, and other “weird” food a lot of Americans have never heard of. Yes/No
- You think cannabis is medicine and Tylenol is evil. Yes/No
- You’ve seen Captain Fantastic … and think he’s too mainstream. Yes/No
- You gifted your teen fruit-juice-sweetened cereal for Valentine’s Day … and she was thrilled. Yes/No
Give yourself 1 point for each time you circled Yes.
25-20 points. You are a peace-loving flower-child mama of the flowing skirts, hairy armpits, dreadlocks variety. You sew your own clothes or get them from the free box, eat fermented foods, and can sometimes be found playing the drums naked outside. Your unvaccinated, unwashed, barefoot babies are healthy, thriving, and loved. Life is Peace and Love. You are a card-carrying crunchy mama and you’ve got it going on.
19-15 points. You’re on your way to being a green granola queen but you’re not quite there yet. Maybe you’re using too many “eco-friendly” “disposable” diapers (they’re not) or you’ve been duped by the “organic” label into thinking pouched purée is food. Read up on infant pottying, the microbiome, and onion ear muffs and you’ll get there soon.
14-10 points. You have some hippie tendencies but you can’t quite bring yourself over to the light side. Behind your boho chic attire is a clean freak. Instead of Gustav Klimt and Georgia O’Keefe, the walls of your home are lined with studio portraits of the kids wearing fake smiles and matching outfits. It’s all good. Everything in moderation. You may not be a hippie at heart, but you’re still spreading the love.
Less than 10 points. Ut oh. You are definitely not a crunchy mama. Your kids are eating cold cereal and pastries for breakfast and your family is living an indoorsy life and (gasp) taking baths or showers every night. You wear a suit and tie to work and feel most comfortable following the status quo. The good news? You’ve got more money and a nicer house than all the hippies in California. The bad news? Your kids will inevitably rebel and grow up to join the great unwashed instead of Wall Street.
What’d ya get? What’d ya get? (This is what the very un-hippie uber-competitive kids in Newton, Massachusetts used to ask each other after every high school test.) Share your score—and any other thoughts—in the comment section below.
Last updated: December 18, 2018