“Tammy told us we have to be careful,” my 12-year-old announced at dinner last night. “There have been two attempted kidnappings around here. Of middle school girls.”
I felt cold dread wash over my scalp.
Kidnappings?
In Oregon?
Of middle school girls?
One reason we live in a small town is because it feels safe.
My husband and I tend not to helicopter parent. We let our children bike themselves where they need to go, allow them to walk downtown, and give them as much freedom and responsibility as they feel they can handle.
As soon as the plates were cleared, James whipped out the computer.
My daughter’s information was a bit muddled. There have actually been FOUR attempted kidnappings of five teenage girls in Southern Oregon in the past two months.
In all four cases the girls got away.
Here is the information we’ve gathered from on-line reports:
1) Last week, a man pulled up alongside a middle school girl in Phoenix, Oregon who was waiting for the bus to go to school. “They’re not running,” he lied. “I’ll give you a ride.” The girl had received safety training and she walked away from the man as quickly as she could. A police officer witnessed the exchange and chased the driver. The driver got away.
2) On Saturday, May 19, 2012, two teens in Williams, Oregon reported being wrestled into a pick-up truck by a man. They jumped out of the truck while it was moving and got away. The suspect is still at large.
3) Two days ago, on Wednesday, May 23, according to a KOBI5 report, a girl from White Mountain Middle School in White City, Oregon was approached by a white man in his forties who tried to get her attention. She ran away.
4) On April 20, 2012 it was reported that a 15-year-old jogger from O’Brien, Oregon, just north of the California border, was grabbed by a man in a black ski mask who had a van with California plates parked nearby. She fought him and got away.
I’ve attended many self-defense classes with my girls.
One thing the police officers who teach them always say is that children often have more to fear from people they know than from strangers.
The chances that your child will be abducted by a stranger are very slim.
But it does happen.
And it’s terrifying.
I was sexually assaulted in broad daylight
When I was in high school I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in broad daylight on a busy street.
I was walking home from work with my shoes in my hand (because it was raining and I felt happy and carefree and wanted to walk barefoot). A man crouched down in front of me about eight feet away.
I remember noticing that he was not tying his shoes, though he was pretending to.
I remember dismissing my instinctive fear and telling myself, “It’s a free country, he can do what he wants.”
What he was doing was waiting for me to approach.
As I came into reach he stood up, grabbed me, and grabbed my breasts.
I went ballistic, screaming, shouting, and thrashing.
The pervert let me go.
“YOU DISGUSTING CREEP!” I screamed at him.
Though I was a young teen and I was screaming and sobbing and a man was running away from me and at least a dozen cars whizzed by NOT A SINGLE CAR STOPPED.
I ran home, terrified, and collapsed in a sobbing heap. I didn’t know how to tell my father what happened.
I was embarrassed and upset. We called the police.
The detectives told me and my father there had been several other incidents of sexual assault on young teens that summer in Newton, Massachusetts, the “safe,” affluent suburb outside of Boston where I lived.
But none of the assaults had been reported with more than a sentence in the newspapers.
My husband was physically assaulted as a child
When my husband was in elementary school a man in a car drove up alongside him and suggested he get in. Another time, a demented older man beat him up, screaming, “You cheap Greek,” while whacking him on the back.
Middle school children are particularly vulnerable.
We teach our children to be respectful to adults.
In school children get extra praise when they are compliant and polite.
It’s one of the worst truths of parenting that bad things might happen to our children no matter how hard we try to stop them.
It’s awful.
We can’t control everything.
We can teach our middle school children to have street smarts
If I listened to my intuition when that stranger was stalking me instead of second guessing myself, I may have avoided being attacked.
A lot of parents don’t want to talk about these kinds of scary incidents because they don’t want to upset their kids.
But we need to give our children the tools to cope in difficult situations.
We need to talk about how to avoid being kidnapped or harmed with our children, with our friends, and with everyone in the community so that we can all come together to keep our children safe.
It’s important to keep in mind that even though attempted abductions make the headlines, attacks by strangers are less likely than sexual or physical abuse by someone your child knows.
I know what you want to do is never let your child out of your sight, never allow them to walk to school again, and accompany them even when they go to the bathroom.
But hovering around them 24/7 is not only impractical, it may be counterproductive.
Here’s the best advice I’ve gleaned from my reading, self-defense classes, and personal experience (with being both sexually assaulted and robbed by strangers) about keeping children (and adults) safe.
9 Safety Rules for Middle School Children and Adults:
1. There’s safety in numbers: In Japan children walk to school by themselves when they are six years old. But they usually walk with other children and they are taught to keep track of each other and be aware of their surroundings. There is safety in numbers. If your child wants to walk downtown to go shopping, saying no is not the answer. But insisting that she bring a friend will help to keep her safe.
2. Walk with confidence, awareness, and with nothing in your hands: One of the reasons I was a target that day was because I was walking with my shoes in my hands. I was also loaded down with books from my job. Teach your children to stride confidently, be aware of anything unusual, and always have their hands free when they’re walking.
3. Take a self-defense workshop with your middle school children: This is an excellent way for you and your middle school children to gain street smarts and confidence.
4. Role-play different scenarios so kids can practice: At self-defense workshops (see #3) you usually do a lot of role-playing. You can do this with your family too. I role-play with my kids in two ways. One is that we talk about a scenario and brainstorm solutions. “What do you do if a nice-looking woman drives up and says she’s a friend of your mom’s and has some kittens in her car and asks you if you’d like to see them?” or “How do you think you should respond if you suspect someone is following you?” or “What do you say if a man orders you to GET IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW?”
One of our best conversations started like this: “I read an article about a 10-year-old who went to the store to buy bread for her mom. A man in the store said hello to her and noticed she had a bruise on her leg. When she was walking home, he pulled his car alongside her and told her to get in. She was a well brought up, quiet girl and the man shouted at her. She knew she should do what grown-ups tell her to so she got in the car… What would you have done?”
[that’s a true story, by the way, with a happy ending. It turns out that man was a convicted sex offender on probation. A brave woman saw the girl get into the car and the scared look on her face and she rolled down her window and said, ‘Do you know that man?’ When the girl shook her head, she wedged her car in so the man couldn’t pull away from the curb and rescued her!].
The other way we do this—and I started playing these games with my girls when they were 3 and 4 years old—is to actually act out a scene. I play the bad guy (they love this) and I try to herd them somewhere. They take turns shouting: “NO! GO AWAY!” and running off (TOWARDS SAFETY NOT AWAY FROM DANGER.) They think this is a lot of fun and we keep doing it until my soft-spoken daughter shouts at the top of her lungs. At the beginning of this game she forgets she doesn’t need to be polite, saying quietly, “No, thank you. I would not like to do that. Goodbye now.”
5. Teach middle school children that there are times when they can and should be rude to adults: We spend so much time teaching our children to be kind, polite, and compassionate but they need to know, our daughters especially, that there are times that it is okay to be rude.
We need to give our children license to SHOUT, SAY NO, RUN AWAY, and SEEK SAFETY if an adult asks them to do something inappropriate, a stranger approaches, or anybody acts in a menacing way towards them.
6. Teach middle school children to resist: Not everyone will agree with me, but I believe that even if a stranger has a gun or other weapon, children must learn to fight back. You kick them in the privates, bite their hand, wiggle away, and then run to safety as fast as you can. If a man is going to threaten a child with a gun in broad daylight, the most important thing is to get away and get away fast. Most criminals want to do unspeakable things. They are not trying to kill the child but kidnap them to kill them later.
7. Don’t wait to have these conversations: There is no magic age. It’s never too early to empower your children to be strong and speak up. There are picture books about this for younger children. Two of our favorites are: The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers and Once Upon a Dragon: Stranger Safety for Kids (and Dragons).
8. It doesn’t matter what they look like: We all have a misperception that someone who would want to harm us or harm our children will look scary. But that’s not true. The most effective scam artists are the ones who look clean-cut and nice. It’s a hard lesson to learn but it’s important children know it may very well be a well-dressed person who tries to harm them.
9. Safety is a community affair: If just one driver had stopped when the man who had assaulted me was rushing away, he could have been arrested. It’s our responsibility as adults, community members, and good neighbors to look out for each other. James called the police last year when some teenage girls on the bike path ran towards him and our kids giggling in a strange way. He asked them what happened. They told him a naked man was in the bushes. The police later called to thank him: they’d been trying to get that guy for weeks and this time they nabbed him. We all need to notice our surroundings and help each other so that disaster prevention becomes a community affair.
How do we empower middle school children without scaring them? Are you worried about the recent attempted kidnappings in Southern Oregon? What advice do you have about keeping children safe?
Amy Garrett says
Good information. I just want to add that my sister-in-law is the founder/CEO of “Run for Courage” – an organization that does fund raising races to support other organizations that help rehabilitate girls who have been trafficked. She has a ton of info on this horrific and extremely prevalent crime and tells me that most abductions on the West Coast occur along the I-5 corridor… easy getaway. Thanks for the reminder that we need to keep our eyes open.
Amy
Ananda Foley says
I think this is great. Thanks for clarity and mindfullness about an issue that is so damn yucky. I just did a training where I learned more about the terrible reality of human trafficking and the ever increasing risk to this age group. I’m glad to see the way you address parents in a way that invites eyes wide open and something we/they can do! Thanks
Brette Sember says
This is such important advice! It is scary when the place you live no longer feels safe.
Kimberly Ford says
Thanks for such good reminders of how we can all keep ourselves safer!
mara says
we live near 5. this fact alone has kept me from settling in to the false sense of security that because we are a small town that we are safer than the cities. a conversation with mike bianca years back put into perspective the amount of crime that occurs as opportunistic due to our proximity to the highway and our closeness to the or/ca border. i don’t helicopter, but i am very guarded and safe about my son and myself. we carry a walking stick at night, we walk together, never alone, and we are sensible about places we go. i can’t stand that there are people out there who delight in causing stress like this, and would dare to harm our children. it’s outrageous. i hope the person/s who have been doing this are caught before someone gets hurt. thank you for your words, mama.
James says
To add: If someone tries to get you to go somewhere, even if they have a gun or knife, RUN and scream. Do not ever cooperate, even though we tend to think that will appease them: sociopaths have no compassion. If they wanted to kill you on the street they would have done it already. Whatever they want, they won’t risk murder charges to kill you for running away. And the truth is, they almost certainly can’t hit a moving target, nor run you down with a knife, anyway.
Marni says
Thank you for writing this, Jennifer, and for keeping it all in perspective. Another note to add is to call the police whenever you see something unusual. It may feel silly, but let them decide what’s worth following up on and what’s not. I saw a guy on the bike path last night with a large dagger and contacted the police and they seemed genuinely appreciative. When I was a kid, we saw a woman being held at gunpoint on the freeway and told no one about it – it still haunts me. Why didn’t we get the license plate number and call the police? Being aware and taking action can really make a difference – like the woman who blocked the car of a would-be abductor. We need to all be that woman and watch out for each other’s kids.
Ananda Foley says
Something to add is about kids recruiting other kids. Abductions don’t just happen in the situation where running away applies. The scenario of a new child in school befriends other kids with the sole purpose of recruiting more children for their pimp. They have been in the situation long enough, they have bonding and care mixed up with the one who provides and threatens, even if they themselves were abducted. Know who your children are hanging with and meet their parents. Be aware of dynamics of control between your child’s new friend and the person s/he calls “daddy”. This trade is the fastest growing industry among criminals who once dealt in drugs. No overhead costs and plenty of customers. The deepest issue to heal in our collective is the very disconnect in the “John”s who pay for time with these children. They are the hardest to find inner compassion for personally.
David says
Not to add fuel to the fire, but you’re actually missing one. There was another girl, a 12-year-old, who was riding her bike home from the Lincoln-Savage Middle School near Murphy in (I believe it was) early April. She was dragged into a vehicle by a man who attempted to drive away with her. She managed to fight her way free and escape about a mile down the road. Again, the attempted abductor was not apprehended.
Now that Josephine County’s voters have, in their infinite wisdom, decided to cancel virtually all law enforcement outside the city limits of Grants Pass, I’d expect this situation to get worse. Our lovely county will become a safe haven for criminals of all stripes, and there are quite a few sex offenders currently in our jail who will be released. The insanity of that is pretty striking, but the voters didn’t want to pay the $25 or so a month it would have cost the average home-owner to pay for the Sheriff’s office, the jail, the District Attorney, or the juvenile justice center.
By all means, encourage your daughters to be safe and cautious. It would also be nice if the world at large took note of what’s going on in Josephine County. I can’t think of any other time in modern history when a community has actually voted, of its own free will, to remove virtually all law enforcement from its borders. It’s anyone’s guess what’s going to happen, but I can’t imagine it’ll be good.
Mary says
My mom was really good about letting my siblings and I have some freedom to roam the neighborhood while also encouraging us to be safe. Along the lines of Ms. Margulis’ #6, mom told us “Fight back, even if someone is armed. It’s better to get shot or stabbed on the street while you’re biting, screaming, and trying to escape than it is to let someone get you in his car or home.”
Mary Alionis says
You can add to the list a 12 yr. old girl that was abducted near Lincoln Savage middle school in Murphy this early spring. She was pulled from her bike into a pickup truck and got away as well. Plus there was an attempted abduction of an 8 yr. old boy I think, from a parking lot during a church event in Grants Pass about the same time.
Don’t forget that the Applegate and Grants Pass are part of the Rogue Valley too.
Mary
MyKidsEatSquid says
This is so important to role play some of the scenarios with your children. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on cell phones. I think some parents–and kids–have a false sense of security, figuring, “Oh, I’ve got my phone I could just call if I get into trouble.”
Jennifer Margulis says
Good question about cell phones. My 12 year old has been lobbying for one for years but, for many reasons, we have not wanted her to have one. At the same time, if I know one of the kids is going to be off alone, I give them either my phone or my husband’s, and it does make me feel a little safer. Whether that is true or false security, I don’t know. I’d be curious to see if there have been any social science studies done on this. But my hunch is that in a life-threatening situation it is street smarts and awareness, not a phone that you may or may not think of grabbing, that is going to keep our children safe.
Irene says
I’m glad you stuck your neck out on this one! How frightening~
Jane Boursaw says
This stuff is so, so scary. Thank you for the reminder and excellent advice. It’s a frightening world out there.
Jennifer Margulis says
Thanks Jane. I just clicked over to your blog about The Great Gatsby. I haven’t been interested in so many contemporary films because they are so dark and I find them upsetting (like, for YEARS after I see them.) But this is one movie I will definitely see. So thank you for that post!
Alisa Bowman says
One of the things I won’t let my daughter to alone is walk to school. I actually enjoy walking with her, so it’s not a hardship for me. It’s total *us* time. But when those rare stranger kidnappings occur, they tend to grab the kids on the way to school or at the bus stop. And kids are small and easy to lift–so even if they are fighting back, a larger man can easily toss them into a car. And, in the Dugard kidnapping, he used a stun gun, so she didn’t have a chance. I really don’t think it’s helicoptering to walk them to the bus or to school. I think of helicoptering as doing their homework for them, intervening in their social life, expecting them to be your best friend, hovering while they are playing with their friends, etc. Anyway, I might be walking her to school or to the bus until she’s in college, but it’s not something I mind.
Jennifer Margulis says
I used to love walking my kids to school, Alisa. You invariably learn so many interesting things from them. I sometimes bike with them still, but not very often anymore. But it’s not because they are older that we don’t walk together. Our neighborhood school closed (and yes, that was the reason we bought the house we bought) so now the kids live too far to walk in a reasonable amount of time. I miss that time we used to have together. Biking and talking just isn’t the same as walking and talking.
Alexandra says
It is very distressing that these kidnappings happen. I will send your suggestions to my son and daughter-in-law. They sound very worthwhile.
HeatherL says
You’ve presented very good advice. There are just too many sickos out there now that aren’t afraid to attack in broad daylight. If you see a child being approached go to their rescue so that’s the end of the story.
Alex Reed says
I’d like to underline that you are improving your children’s health by allowing them to walk and bike to destinations within reason. Many more children get lifestyle-induced diabetes or obesity than are abducted every year. So keep up the healthy living (with a few stranger-danger safety tweaks)!
Lynne, Troutdale, OR says
With daughters we have an awareness that we must protect them from this; important to remember that boys are vulnerable as well, maybe even more so since they’re not as socialized to fear potential aggression…
susan selfridge says
Excellent advice and approach to this scary problem. I particularly like the role playing idea. And, yes, anyone can LOOK or ACT nice.