I’m eleven and a half now. And now that I’m eleven and a half, I know a lot of things. I’m going to tell it to you straight: My mom has seriously become a dumbagini. My dad too but he’s not as bad. Now that I’m eleven and a half…
1. My mother doesn’t know anything.
2. My mother does really embarrassing things all the time, like saying “Hello” to my friend Nellie’s mom. How could she embarrass me that way? I’ll never forgive her.
3. My mother doesn’t understand that I can borrow her eye shadow without asking but she can’t even look in the direction of my slippers without permission, preferably in writing.
4. I definitely do not have time to sponge the table even though there are 35 minutes left before I have to leave for school. Duh.
5. Rising before 11:00 a.m. on the weekend is worse than being swarmed by fire ants.
6. I’ve mastered the technique of the Stealth Elbow Jab to the little brother. I had it down pretty good at age 10. But now that I’m eleven and a half I can do it really hard and make it hurt. Epic.
7. I’m the fountain of sweetness and consideration to everyone.
8. Except to my mom. (She’s a dumbagini, as I said before. So why bother being nice to her?)
9. That said, I am the fountain of sweetness to my mom when I need her to:
a) make me a snack
b) braid and sew up my hair for a gymnastics competition
c) correct my English homework
10. I have to __________________ (practice piano/go to the bathroom/do my homework) when it’s time to set the table that I earlier refused to sponge (see #4).
11. I did not come home late three times in a row. In fact, I’ve never come home late in my life, and you are a mean and terrible mother for not letting me go where I want to go right now just because you think I was late when I wasn’t.