🛀 First, precious baby, we will take you away from your mom, aggressively wash your entire body with perfumed dye-laden antibiotic soap. We will make sure to get all that goopy vernix off you.
🔪 Then we will strap you to a molded plastic board, administer a dorsal penile nerve block or other anesthesia, and surgically remove a chunk of your genitals with a sharp instrument.
😭 You are screaming now and bleeding from the wound on your penis. No worries! We can stop that with some pressure and we’ll give you some nice acetaminophen. You may have passed out from the pain. In which case, we’ll admire how peacefully you’re sleeping and tell your mom how well you did.
😣 You’ll startle awake soon enough, awakened by the sharp sting you feel when you pee in your diaper and your urine hits the raw wound.
Wait? The precious baby struggles?
Somewhere during all this, you will also get as a vitamin K shot:
Each milliliter contains phytonadione 2 or 10 mg, polyoxyethylated fatty acid derivative 70 mg, dextrose, hydrous 37.5 mg in water for injection; benzyl alcohol 9 mg added as a preservative. May contain hydrochloric acid for pH adjustment. Benzyl alcohol has been reported to be associated with a fatal ‘Gasping Syndrome’ in premature infants. WARNING: This product contains aluminum that may be toxic. Aluminum may reach toxic levels with prolonged parenteral administration if kidney function is impaired. Premature neonates are particularly at risk because their kidneys are immature, and they required large amounts of calcium and phosphate solutions, which contain aluminum. Research indicates that patients with impaired kidney function, including premature neonates, who receive parenteral levels of aluminum at greater than 4 to 5 mcg/kg/day accumulate aluminum at levels associated with the central nervous system and bone toxicity. Tissue loading may occur at even lower rates of administration.”
🔥 You’ve spiked a fever now so we need to draw some blood, but we decide to put you on antibiotics before the results of the tests come in because a sick newborn is nothing to mess around with.
🤱🏻 Then we’ll tell your sweet mama that she’s “starving you” and you are “failing to thrive” and we’ll take you off her breast and out of her arms and feed you some highly processed name brand infant formula that contains corn syrup solids from corn grown in fields that were sprayed with pesticides, including glyphosate. We will make sure to send you home with a big bag of the same brand (the salesperson brought us pizza last night on the ward and little holiday gifts and she’s so nice and theirs is the best brand and we’ll give you a bunch of extra to be kind and save you money.)
What could possibly go wrong, sweet, precious baby?