1. My mother doesn’t know anything.
2. My mother does really embarrassing things all the time, like saying “Hello” to my friend Nellie’s mom.
3. My mother doesn’t understand that I can borrow her eye shadow without asking but she can’t even look in the direction of my slippers without permission, preferably in writing.
4. I definitely do not have time to sponge the table even though there’s 35 minutes before I have to leave for school.
5. Rising before 11:00 a.m. on the weekend is worse than being covered in honey and swarmed by fire ants.
6. I’ve mastered the technique of the Stealth Elbow Jab to the little brother.
7. I am the fountain of sweetness and consideration to everyone.
8. Except my mom.
9. I am the fountain of sweetness to my mom when I need her to:
a) make me a snack
b) braid and sew up my hair for a gymnastics competition
c) correct my English homework
10. I have to __________________ (practice piano/go to the bathroom/do my homework) when it is time to set the table that I have refused to sponge (see #4).
11. I did not come home late three times in a row. In fact, I’ve never come home late in my life, and you are a mean and terrible mother for not letting me go where I want to go right now just because you think I was late when I wasn’t.