You take pride in your appearance and never leave the house without tastefully applied make-up. Your 11-year-old is always unkempt, refuses to shower, hates to go shopping, and has no interest in clothes.
You’re an introvert and need down time every day. Your 4-year-old never stops talking.
You work for a non-profit peace organization. But your 3-year-old turns carrot sticks into guns.
Your partner is a professor and you believe educational achievement is the path to a fulfilling life. Your 9-year-old says he “HATES reading.”
Sometimes our children are completely different from us.
Different tastes, different abilities, and different desires.
They don’t want what we want.
Certainly, they don’t care about what we care about.
Maybe they don’t value what we value.
Their approach isn’t ours. Our children don’t approach life the way we want them to.
So what do we parents usually do?
We parents fight every morning about the clothing choices our pre-teen is making, refuse to buy that coveted often-begged-for toy gun, tell our child he “LOVES reading,” and spend a small fortune on tutors and specialists to help our kids. Then we take it one step further by complaining to our friends that our children are “lazy,” lie awake worrying that they will suffer as adults, and try to stuff them into an ill-fitting mold that they did not choose for themselves.
We try to change them. We try to make them more like us.
In high school I babysat for a family I adored.
Both parents were psychologists.
Their little girl, Rachel, was only five years old but already her mother had started commenting on how much she was eating and scolding her for eating too much. Her daughter wasn’t even chubby. She was a healthy active kid who enjoyed food.
“I just don’t want her to have weight problems when she’s older,” the mom confided in me.
What if we didn’t try to change our children to make them more like us, or more like the person we wished we had been in the past? What if we embraced the personality clashes instead?
If we started to take our children on their own terms and let them be themselves?
Realized that no child’s like or dislikes are set in stone? That sometimes our children’s behavior is simply age appropriate or an indication of what they like or don’t like today, not what they will like or not like for the rest of their lives?
What if Rachel’s mom provided her with a wide variety of healthy foods and never made another comment about what her daughter ate?
If we decided it’s okay for our pre-teen to dress however she feels most comfortable?
What if we helped our son make himself a toy gun?
Could we stop labeling, criticizing, and fretting over our children, and instead just love them unconditionally, and let them be themselves?
I have a theory about this: If we stop trying to change and mold our children and start loving them just the way they are then we have to extend the same courtesy to ourselves.
But loving ourselves unconditionally is really hard.
We’re afraid it will make us soft, or weak, or somehow bad.
Cheri Huber, a Zen guru and author of the book, There is Nothing Wrong With You, calls this our psycho-social conditioning. She says conditioning tries to trick us into thinking that we’ll actually die or explode or decombust if we accept ourselves the way we are and love ourselves.
I struggle with this a lot.
I have a ticker tape of negative criticism running through my head so constantly that I’m often not aware of it (“I-put-too-much-salt-in-the-soup-and-ruined-it-I-hate-myself-I’m-a-bad-person-I-can’t-believe-what-a-disgusting-mess-this-living-room-is-it’s-my-fault-for-not-making-the-kids-do-more-chores-I-bet-the-editor-hates-my-photos-and-that’s-why-she-didn’t-mention-them…”).
If you feel comfortable with who you are and how you are, chances are you feel comfortable with your child and his preferences and choices. The personality clashes won’t bother you.
If you’re consumed with self-hate and full of self-criticism, you probably feel like everything your child does that you don’t like is a negative reflection on you.
It’s true that some children are harder for some adults to parent, and even to love.
Some children and adults really are mismatched.
It’s also true that there will be times when you really don’t enjoy being with your child—when your daughter’s going through a stage you just can’t stand or your son is acting especially difficult (to you anyway).
But even though we sometimes may not like them, our job, I think, is to always love them. We need to embrace our differences and let our children spread their wings. Their own way. And fly to the places they want to go. Then we can be the steady branch they alight on when they come home.
To accept our children unconditionally we also have to accept ourselves.
Published: September 27, 2012
Updated: April 1, 2021
Brette Sember says
I think it can be hard also when your kid is too much like you. You identify all of your own weaknesses and problems and want to do something to help your kids get beyond them or learn to cope with them better than you did.
I think that the problem with what you are suggesting is that it’s absolutely right to a point, but you have to draw the line somewhere. If Rachel’s mom lets her eat whatever she wants, she eats only candy bars and gains 10 lbs in a month, it’s not working. I think there always has to be a point where you have to be prepared to be the parent and make decisions for your child to keep them safe, healthy, etc. while at the same time allowing them to feel comfortable with who they are and making it clear you love them for who they are.
Jennifer Margulis says
Brette, I agree with this critique. A lot of parents make the mistake of wanting to be their children’s friend instead of the parent who makes and enforces the rules. Our kids won’t always like us and we will have to be the bad guy sometimes. As much as we may not want to be.
I’m definitely not suggesting we let our kids misbehave or be rude or run wild (and “accept” that as normal), just that we accept them for who they are.
If Rachel were eating only candy, it would because she had access to it. Rachel’s parents’ job is to give her access to a wide variety of healthy foods and no junk, model healthy eating habits by making good choices themselves, and THEN leave her alone. So they are still being the parents and helping their daughter make good choices, but NOT criticizing those choices once their daughter has made them.
I know a lot of kids who are “chubby” as children who grow into healthy adults with no weight problems! Everyone has a different body type. Though her mom was trying to save her, I fear she was creating a problem that may have only existed in her head…
Liam says
My son is definitely different to me in some ways, and we do butt heads from time to time, but overall I think I definitely encourage him to be his own person. He is extremely intelligent, but at the same time can be absent-minded and nonchalant about things. That absent-mindedness and nonchalance is part of who he is though, he gets it from his Mom so I try to accept that it is what it is.
In terms of school and friends, he is quite unique too – he plays outside and everything, but he has always been blessed with more emotional intelligence that most. He’s also advanced when it comes to vocabulary and creativity. I’m very proud 🙂 I welcome that he is unique, and although I can’t say we won’t butt heads in the future over that absent-mindedness and nonchalance I mentioned earlier, I know he’s an amazing kid and I’m proud to be his father.
What you said about the ‘negative ticker tape of self criticism’ resonated with me, because I have the same thing. Over time, it has got easier though because I have learned that perfection is something we can never attain.
Thanks for a great read.
Sarah says
For me the difficult part with my mixmatched child is not so much her personality and gusto for life (serious extrovert of two introverted parents), it’s how she treats others, especially her younger siblings. She just has little impulse control and is an in-your-face person. I don’t want to fit her in a mold, but I do want to teach her to respect other people’s personal space. 🙁
Jennifer Margulis says
Sarah, I totally understand. My husband is an introvert and at least two of ours are exuberant extroverts. Maybe, just maybe, the personal space question and the way your daughter is treating her siblings is a stage and something she’ll grow out of? There’s a great book called SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY: HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU CAN LIVE TOO, which I’ve read twice. It’s full of compassion and wisdom and maybe it will help.
Another suggestion when you have a child who’s exasperating you (I’m in that right now with one of mine) is to CATCH THEM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, as often as you can. Even if it’s not that often, when your daughter DOES respect someone’s space or backs off when asked, you can tell her you really like the way she responded and was so considerate of that person. And when she’s nice to her siblings (if she ever is), you can catch her doing that right too…
susan selfridge says
What if? The world would be a better place. You nailed this. Live and let live. I have a theory that at the root of all of OUR fear is a nagging desire to be liked and validated and loved and approved of ourselves. And, that parents are stll trying to get all those things through their kids. NOT FAIR!
I see you as allowing your kids to be themselves. Who they are. With their own choices and letting them learn through their own mistakes. They will. Even if you fret secretly. So, what is the point of worrying? And, I see the happiest children I know. And, if we do not like ourselves, we will not like our kids who are a part of us. And, they will feel that lack of self esteem. And, self respect and self love.
As someone whose parents seemed to care more about what the neighbors thought than what I thought, I beseech parents everywhere to stop that. The message is almost irreversible. And, it will be passed on.
Jennifer Fink says
Great post, Jennifer. This line — “I-can’t-believe-what-a-disgusting-mess-this-living-room-is-it’s-my-fault-for-not-making-the-kids-do-more-chores-” — has definitely played through my head more than once!
And this line — “If you’re consumed with self-hate and full of self-criticism, you probably feel like everything your child does that you don’t like is a negative reflection on you.” — is tough. I’ve done a lot of work toward self-love and acceptance in the last few years, but I still lean toward thinking that everything “bad” my kids do is a negative reflection on me.
HeatherL says
I like to think I was the accepting parent. My children’s father was not, so I don’t know how much klout I had. But it’s much easier to be the accepting grandparent. I can tell you that. What a great article.
Julie Akins says
Best Column you’ve ever done in my opinion. Insightful with truth pouring out of it. I will be sharing it widely but I’m starting with me!
This is big stuff Jennifer. Thank you so much.
Julia Perlman says
I love this, Jennifer. And it’s amazing to me that so many of us have that constant ticker-tape of negativity we hardly even notice any more, and yet function within that- even seem to thrive. Lots of resonance here! Toast to letting things be how they are, to finding the true good impulse in whatever is, starting with how we are, and how our kids are. Maybe Rachel was a budding foodie (re-frame) and is now a chef…
Jennifer Margulis says
Thank you for your kind words, Julie and Julia. I appreciate the time you took to read this column and comment on it, and I’m glad that it resonated with you. I’d like for my kids NOT to have that ticker tape in their heads. Maybe it is unavoidable? Hopefully not!
Laura says
Wonderful post. I think it becomes ever more relevant as kids get older. Their energies are devoted to establishing an identity, finding out where they excel, and exploring the interests that make them feel alive. Sometimes our kids share our interests, but that doesn’t mean they want our input. And sometimes we’re thrilled to see them overcome big challenges, but that doesn’t mean they plan to stick with those pursuits. There’s even research showing that there are long-term benefits when kids follow their interests for their own reasons. Here’s more on that http://lauragraceweldon.com/2010/02/08/our-kid%E2%80%99s-pursuits-are-their-own/
Thanks for this insightful piece. I’m sharing widely!
Kristen says
Interesting to think about. I guess I never expected my kids to be mini-mes. Perhaps it’s because from day 1 my oldest had so much of her own personality I didn’t think I’d ever be able to change her. That said, there’s plenty of personality clashes around our house…
Brother K says
What if we started to take our children on their own terms and let them be themselves?
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awesome … inspiring … thank you for your compassion.
Mae says
I have 3 children, who are all VERY MUCH themselves. I have always ENCOURAGED them to be who they are, never once have I tried to change them and make them be what they aren’t. My daughter is sooo much different than me, but all alike at the same time. She is wonderful the way she is. I wouldn’t have her any other way. She is 5 and a half and definetely is her own person! My nearly 4 year old twin sons, they are totally different from one another, and different from their parents. Children aren’t meant to be “mini me’s” they are totally different people. With their own likes, dislikes, talents, strengths, weaknesses, and personalities. Why try to mold them into your image? Embrace your children the way they are and help them grow into that person!
Susan Selfridge says
What helps me with my own lack of self esteem is a saying I heard. “What you think of me is none of my business.” Easier typed than practiced. But, works!
Edie says
My son’s are 24 & 22. They have both given me such a difficult time in the past. My 24 year old went through a drug addiction which made him violent and affected his brain. He came through though (after admitting him into a hospital) and stopped on his own. He is still smoking weed every day but maintains a job (3 years now) albeit low paying and pays his rent and lives with roommates. He’s growing up and has apologized for a few things (not the drugs imparticularly) and things are better but I can’t help feeling guilt that it was my fault.
My youngest son (22) moved out 16 months ago, his apt. became the party house for drinking (I don’t think he does anything else but drink as he has anxiety); and he got 2 DUIs within 6 months of eachother. He had to serve weekends in jail and we are still awaiting the second court date. We used to be SO CLOSE before he turned into a teenager. It breaks my heart – I feel like “these aren’t the boys I raised!” and I am ashamed of them. I am so sad and angry that it effects my life. Yet, would give anything for my youngest to move back home, I love them both so much. Don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that they are grown, are making their own decisions, and accept them as they are. I know I gave them a good foundation as a single mother (their dad was involved slightly but is a functioning alcoholic). But, I am not proud of them but want to be. I see other kids in college, etc. and SO wish mine were like that. I blame myself but most of all, I know I need to accept them as they are but do not know how. Please help.
Jennifer Margulis says
Thanks for sharing your story, Edie. It sounds very hard. I have two ideas, though I don’t know if they will be of help to you. First of all, and you have probably already done this, you might really benefit from joining a support group for people who are affected by addiction. I know Alcoholics Anonymous runs special groups for parents whose children are alcoholics and for children whose parents are alcoholics. My other thought is that you volunteer to work with youth of some kind. It sounds like you and your boys were so close when they were younger. What if you became a Big Sister or volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club or something like that? That way you could turn your boys’ current difficult behavior into something positive you do for other people. And it might help make you feel better too.
Lulastic says
OH ABSOLUTELY YES!!!! I think the goal of relinquishing control over every element with regard to our kids is essential – but i think this area is the hardest. I struggle when I think of my kids not turning out to be activists. When they choose Barbie over playing blocks – gah, I do find it tough to keep it zipped.
Thank you for posting, will share!
Jennifer says
I have an ISFJ personality I’m introverted I put everyone needs before my own and although I can be judging I believe if I have nothing nice to say then shut up and I adapt well to change if it’s necessary my child is happy go lucky, energetic, extroverted child she very compassionate and just all around awesome I don’t want to change her I admire her my problem is that she’s selfish and wants to do things her way she’s like a freight train sometimes she can be too much for me we don’t have discipline problems she well behaved it’s just that i need space and she doesn’t she wants to be with me all the time and she never stops talking even if i don’t engage her back it doesn’t bother her she can easily talk about nothing for 30 mins. straight by herself I usually allow her to be with me more than I would like bedtime is really my only time away from her since i work from home I find myself tip toeing around her when she’s sleep I love her I don’t want to destroy her spirit or grow apart but I find myself not wanting to be around her because it feels like she’s sucking the life out of me sometimes I get time away from her but it doesn’t change how she makes me feel when I’m around her I love her she is such a joy at times but how do I get her to stop stealing my joy I’ve explained to her that if she wants to be in mommies room she has to be calm but it only takes secs before she is bouncing off my walls I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I usually end up wanted to pull out my hair didn’t I mention she’s been talking and walking since 1 yrs old nows she’s 5
Regina says
Thank you for this post! My husband and I frequently disagree about this same issue with my son. My 6 year old is a vibrant, very out going, social boy. He LOVES all sports, the outdoors, wrestling, and being active……very typical boy. My husband, on the other hand, is an extremely introverted, tech guy with a bit of a passive-aggressive personality. He is the child of divorce, with a somewhat absent father. My Husband constantly expresses his disappointment in that our boy is not more like him. I encourage him to just love and accept our son for who he is but, I’m always met with resistance. I’ve even persuaded my husband to speak with a parenting counselor once because, he was convinced there was something wrong with my son but, she just reiterated what I’ve been telling him all along. It really hurts my heart.
Suelli says
I know it’s been a long time since you wrote your post, but I think it’s a really good one. I always had a strained relationship with my father, and I think a large part of it was due to our mismatched temperments and his naivete about how to be a supportive father (as was the case with many men of his generation.) When I wasn’t avoiding him (due to my strong dislike of conflict) we just butted heads. Our strained relationship really affected my self-esteem and ability to trust that any man could truly love me. Sadly, I do think he loved me in his way, I just was never able to see that as a child. The information you provided is so important for parents to understand. A young child cannot easily adapt to personality differences. It it the parents’ responsibility to do so, and, if parents truly love their children unconditionally then they should accept their children’s individual personalities and celebrate each other’s differences as a family.
Lost says
As a long time teacher, I am having a hard time being “Mom!” The more I try to be the doting mother, the more she pushes away so then I go back to being my (overcompensating, over opinionated, and overzealous) normal self. I am totally inclined and aware that the issue is me, but I need to know how to get over “myself” so I can be there for her. I wish I knew how to like my daughter better, especially since she’s a beautiful person in everyone else’s standards, including my own (if she wasnt mine) but I cannot get out of my own way…