Time: 7:00 p.m.
Place: Living Room.
Characters: Belligerent 7-year-old, Exhausted Parent
Belligerent 7-year-old: “I’m NOT TIRED! I DO NOT HAVE TO GO TO BED! I AM BUSY DOING LEGOS RIGHT NOW!”
Exhausted Parent: “STOP SCREAMING! THE WINDOWS ARE OPEN AND THE NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR YOU!”
Ah, yes, we scream at our kids to tell them to stop screaming; grab a toy away from a toddler because said toddler just grabbed it from a friend; scold “that was so rude!” in a rude tone because a 12-year-old was rude to her sister; spank a child because they hit someone.
Before you have children it’s easy to be smug about discipline.
You see a child hurling spinach on the floor in a restaurant or having a screaming fit in the produce aisle of the supermarket and you think confidently to yourself that you will never allow your future children to be so _______ (insert negative adjective of your choice here: disruptive, rude, inconsiderate).
Then you actually have children and you realize that your former expectations about how they would behave and real-life child development are often not one and the same.
“We don’t have a clue what our children will evoke in us until after we have them,” says renowned psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of “The Mother Dance.”
“Your kids will make you love them in a way you never thought possible, but they will also teach you that you are definitely not the nice, calm, highly evolved person you fancied yourself to be before you became a mother,” Lerner asserts.
Before kids: You were the world’s best disciplinarian.
After kids: You’re constantly asking yourself what is an effective way to discipline? What does effective discipline look like anyway?
Here are some of my thoughts about effective discipline, gleaned from the experts, my observations, and my many, many failures:
• It’s hard to discipline a child when you have low blood sugar. If your kids are making you nuts, or not listening, maybe all you need is some nuts or another healthy snack.
• Humor works! When Mr. Carrot says “Eat me up, I want my head crunched off,” Johnny is much more likely to eat his vegetables.
• Model how you want your child to act: Grabbing the tennis ball from my son because he grabbed it from the baby teaches him that 1) grabbing is acceptable and 2) whoever’s stronger wins. Being gentle but firm (“It hurts Baby’s feelings when you grab from her. I need you to give that back”) is a better method and a more effective way to discipline.
• Follow through is key: Never make a threat you’re not willing to follow up on. “If you talk in a too-loud voice and say mean things to Mommy, we’re leaving the supermarket right now” only works (and ALWAYS works in my experience) if you follow through and leave the second it happens again.
• Bickering in the car is dangerous: My kids used to pick fights when we were driving. If I’m distracted by their fighting, I can’t drive safely. Now I have a zero tolerance rule for this one: If they fight, I pull the car over and turn off the engine. They almost never fight in the car anymore. It’s no fun to have to pull over to the side of the road but it is an effective discipline technique.
• Be proactive: I know my son has special toys that he doesn’t want others to play with. We hide them when smaller kids are coming over. I know it’s hard to stop enjoying the park. A five-minute warning and a one-minute warning usually makes it easier to leave.
• Be clear: Kids don’t instinctively know how to behave and they often don’t mean to misbehave. I find clear directives really work to help them understand what’s expected: “In this store we can only look with our eyes and not touch anything,” “We’re going to a grown-up restaurant. When we’re there I expect you to use indoor voices, not to bicker, and to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to the waiter.”
• Small kids need ways to express their big frustrations: It’s okay for a kid to be furious but it’s not okay for them to punch a person. They can punch the heavy bag, though. Scream into a pillow. Or draw a picture of how they feel. This technique (especially the heavy bag) is good for frustrated mamas as well.
What effective discipline techniques work best with your kids? Do you ever use them successfully on your spouse?!
Last updated: April 26, 2018
Emily says
I was nodding my head reading this – I agree with all of your points. I have learned to take time to be clear about expectations before we arrive somewhere – so we take five minutes in the car ride over to the library, or park, or restaurant to go over the rules and consequences before we arrive.
But the most important point here, and the biggest mistake I see my mom friends making is that follow through is key. When my older son was in the tantrum phase, I used to explain to him that if he started screaming we would have to leave. This meant that I had to calmly leave my cart full of groceries in the middle of the store a few times, but it worked. He understands the consequences of his actions, and more importantly, he knows that I mean what I say.
Caren Chesler says
This was great. Very helpful in its specificity. And funny doesn’t hurt. Any pointers on how to get a screaming — I mean shrieking — infant to stop screaming (I mean the fake tear-less stuff, where it quiets down a bit when you leave their field of vision but gets reeeeally loud as soon as they see you again. Like when you think this child can’t get any louder, he takes it up a notch). I fear if I let it go unaddressed, I may have a bigger bratty shrieky problem later.
Jennifer Margulis says
How old is the infant Caren? I was just writing about this for a parenting magazine. My best advice may be counterintuitive but if you respond right away with hugs, cuddles, love, kind words, I think the shrieking will stop and not become a longterm problem. Many babies get separation anxiety and even though there are no tears the terror is real. Instead of trying to separate more or deny an infant comfort (because you feel he might be faking it), if you comfort him and reassure him, the terror will subside and he will ultimately be more confident. Does this make sense?
Caren Chesler says
How old is infant? six months. Funny, after you wrote this, the baby had a crying fit right before I was going to feed him. I was about to feed him, and he starts shrieking. It feels extremely demanding. I’m about to give him what he wants. He knows that. He can sees that. But it feels like he’s saying NOW! And I can feel my back get up, and I want to move slightly slower, as if to say, “You’re not the boss of me, you little shit.” Despite that feeling, I don’t want to see my child in pain — even if it’s self inflicted. It pains me to see him in pain. I also want the screaming to stop! I hear what you’re saying, Jennifer, but damn, I do feel like I’m reinforcing the behavior when I give him what he has demanded, in such a loud, obnoxious way.
Leslie says
Caren,
I imagine you feel really stressed and frustrated when your baby cries and shrieks, especially when you’re doing what you can to meet his needs. I also read your sorrow and pain when you write don’t want to see your child in pain.
I believe there is wisdom in that sorrow at seeing your child in pain and your desire to alleviate that pain. He is still so young and so helpless. He is just expressing his tender needs that he relies on you to meet because he is so small.
I would wish for you to let go of the concern about reinforcing “obnoxious” behavior and follow your wisdom to love him and meet his needs, no matter how he expresses those needs.
wishing you as much peace and rest as is possible in the midst of parenting an infant,
Leslie
Sarah Jane Nelson says
I totally know where you’re coming from Caren. It’s a HARD time when you have a crying crying crying child. (I had two colicky babies so I know the stress). I chose to always respond to my kids cries but not by giving them exactly what they wanted (if a child cries in a carseat we can’t pull over on the highway and nurse every 10 minutes – that is a dangerous road to go down!). Kids who are so little are not out to get us but they certainly are smart and have a strong awareness of cause and effect. When I do this, this happens, when I do that, that happens. I think that in a positive way we can teach little ones that we are in charge by staying calm, distracting them, hugging them, smiling at them, and showing love when they are pitching a fit but not necessarily giving in to what we are not okay with (be it having a feed, where/when they need to sleep, or whatever that may be at whatever age/stage). If you put the child down on the living room floor and they cry, instead of picking them up to stop the cry right away, maybe lay down on the floor with him/her, bring in a toy, etc… You can also stretch the time your child waits for things by saying with a sweet smile “wait… wait” and this worked well for us after a bit of time. Eventually you can have them wait longer and longer and it becomes a game that brings giggles and smiles as they wait for the food, answer, etc… We started it very early on and it built the child’s sense that we were going to provide for their needs in the appropriate time we were able, not exactly when they demanded it. By around 14 months we started time outs but your little one is too young for that of course at only 6 months. Your child is not out to get you but I KNOW the feeling that they are!!!! Oh Lord I know the feeling… You may also want to see a homeopath because our daughter was very sensitive to sounds, would shriek and scream when she was startled, etc… and Nux Vomica was like magic for her. It mellowed her out and made her just happier overall. Good luck to you. You’re not bad for thinking that motherhood is not fun sometimes because it just isn’t. Hang in there. Make sure you have support by reaching out to friends and family to give you childcare while you take a walk, nap, swim, pedicure… You sound frazzled but you’ll get through! Better days are ahead!!!
Sincerely,
Sarah Jane Nelson
(now blissful mom of Mateo 3 and Rosalee 6)
Caren Chesler says
Thanks so much, everyone, for the empathy and comments. I’m already using some of the advice. We’ll see how it goes.
Jennifer Fink says
It’s funny that I’m just now beginning to realize the wisdom of #1. Every mom I know realizes that tired, hungry kids are more prone to crabbiness and irritability, but almost every mom I know (myself included) does not make it consistent priority to get enough sleep or nutrition. This is something I’m currently working on in my own home.
Living Large says
When I see little kids act out in public or read stories such as the one in your lede, I’m thankful we started with and only had teens. Seems like a cakewalk comparatively. I think Emily is right about the expectations. Also, consistency is key. A behavior cannot be ok at home, or else kids will also believe that behavior is ok in public. My mother always bragged that she never had to spank us because they were always consistent in their message about what was ok and what wasn’t. Your post about activities in the car made me think of one of the last memories I have of my dad. We were driving across town with all 5 of my nephews in the car. I was 17 in the front and my nephews, ages 7-13 were all in the back (pre seat belt required days!) horsing around. He warned them once. The second time, he pulled the car over on the side of the highway and that’s all it took. There wasn’t a sound from the backseat for the rest of the drive.
Alexandra says
Lots of good points here. I think the only thing I would add is tone of voice. I noticed this while watching my son and his wife disciplining their kids this summer. Children are responsive to the tone you use. Your tone gives hints as to how serious you are. And, I was impressed by my son and his ability to get two small kids to obey …
Melanie @ Frugal Kiwi says
I’m surprised how often I see #4 being ignored. If you threaten things your kids know you won’t follow through on, EVERYTHING you say is less effective.
Alisa Bowman says
I have learned to put myself in time out when I feel myself losing my temper. And my husband and I have learned to switch roles when we can tell the other one is about the lose it. When I am calm, I’m a pretty good disciplinarian. I doll out rewards and I am firm with punishments. But when I am tired, everything falls apart. I’ve learned that it’s probably more important for me not to be tired than my daughter, and I’ve also learned that bedtime is a grumpy time and to just accept that she is not pleasant when she’s tired.
Kimberly Ford says
My favorite moment pre-children to reflect upon was when I met a friend at her house and saw her nine month old crawling around with some kind of something smeared on her face. I thought: Jeez, at least you could clean the kid’s face!
Not only did I often have kids with stuff smeared on their faces, but I actually found that at some point I was PROUD to have kids with dirty faces and mis-matched outfits and unkempt coifs because that meant that I was loose and relaxed and letting them experience the world!
Oh, how these kids change us!!!
ruth pennebaker says
So right — that kids change us and humble us. We used humor whenever possible, especially when the behavior wasn’t at all funny.
Christine says
I especially like the reminder to take care of yourself first! That’s so important. Low blood sugar is a killer. I also find it really important to set expectations/be proactive. Discipline after the fact is less effective in so many ways.
Sheryl says
Now that my kids are older, I’m convinced the best strategy I had in getting them to behave was to try to maintain a calm, even tone of voice. It didn’t always work (on each end!) but it’s an amazing technique in getting them to calm down, if you can manage to stay calm yourself. They were jot perfect little kids and gave me my share of frustrations, worry, anger, you name it. But it was all worthwhile in seeing the wonderful adults they’ve become.
Angela Akins says
Caren,
I so understand where you’re coming from as the mother of a child that frequently used to demand her way from 8 until 2 and 1/2. I realized however, when they are infants not even one yet they have a behavior that I would describe as “hitting the panic button” All the baby knows is I’m really hungry/tired/wet diapered, whatever is causing the screaming. So what I learned to do is really really watch my babies habits even more then when I need at 1-4 months.My guess is your baby isn’t actually being demanding-although it undoubtably feels that way, baby is probably actually hungry and at her age can’t think I’m hungry, food will be here, especially since they have no sense of time, so the key to stopping the screaming is stopping babies feeling of urgency. Try to anticipate babies needs before baby tells you by screaming. Baby has no words and can’t tell you, “mom I’m really hungry and I don’t know how long it will be until you feed me”. I also want you to know that at the age of six months, baby has no impulse control, and is developed enough to think “If I scream, mom responds by giving me what I want”. The age where baby may scream and act out to get babies way comes much later. I would say on average a little bit before baby is 2. I would talk to a dr., or a person that studies early childhood development, like a preschool teacher, or a day care provider. I do have some experience in this area, I am a psychology major specializing in early childhood development research. Good Luck it will work out but I recommend doing some research, an easy website you can look at is babycenter.com they have excellent information on typical age guidelines and what to expect in the future. When you get to the website you can select the age of your child and it gives you the information.
Kristen says
#4 resonates with me too. It’s so much easier to follow through with disciplining your kids when they’re small so that as they get older it just doesn’t take much for them to understand your expectations–and that there will be consequences if they can’t behave.
I think it’s also important, to realize that what works on one child won’t necessarily work on the next.
Susan says
I’m reading The Happiness Project and in the section on parenting, she suggests repeating back to the child’s emotions to validate those feelings, even if they aren’t allowed to act on them inappropriately. This sounds similar to that in that people of all ages are apt to act out when they feel they aren’t being understood or their feelings are being discounted.
Jody says
You know, I was thinking about this recently. Both of my kids are teens and it’s been a long time since anything has been an issue discipline-wise. But looking back, I think that the best parenting tool is the relationship you’ve built with your child. The smaller the wall is between you, the better everything will work. So I’d think about whether actions I was taking and whether words I was saying were contributing to building a wall or taking it down. I know this is not really concrete advice, but it’s the best way I know to put it. Are we treating our kids with respect? Are we really listening to them? Are we a “soft place to fall” rather than quick to judge? Are we taking their feelings seriously? The more we do that, in my opinion, the better our relationship will be with them, and in the long run that’s what matters.
Laura Laing says
Taking our parents’ feelings seriously is so huge. And it’s such an easy thing to forget.
Laura Laing says
I love this post, Jennifer. Our daughter is 11 now, so we’re dealing with other issues, but following through on threats is always a biggie. I’ve also asked her sometimes what she thinks we should do. (As in: I’ve asked you 100 times to stop chasing the cat. What do you think we should do about it?) She almost always comes up with some good ideas.
Laura
sarah henry says
Had a bad mama moment recently when I was sleep deprived, hungry, and starting to get sick. Not a good look. Lost the plot, as we say where I come from.
Here’s what I’m learning parenting a teen: They will indeed call you on your own sh*t. So own the stuff you’re not proud of — and don’t want coming back at you — and your kid will respect you for acknowledging your own mistakes. Make sense?
Also: The time out works with teens (and parents) too.