There has been a tremendous amount in the news lately about circumcision pros and cons. In New York City, Orthodox Jewish leaders are vowing not to comply with a new requirement that they get informed consent before a mohel may put his mouth on the infant’s penis (a regulation passed in the wake of the death of an infant from herpes).
The American Academy of Pediatrics has also weighed in on circumcision pros and cons. While not recommending routine circumcision, the AAP now claims the benefits of the procedure outweigh the risks. American health professionals on the frontline of circumcision are actively debating whether it is a necessary procedure; and a new study about the clinical trial of three methods of infant circumcision in Zambia reports that of the 640 circumcisions performed from October 2009 to March 2011 4.1 percent of the infants (26 babies) suffered from moderate to severe complications from the procedure.
Circumcision pros and cons, is public opinion beginning to change?
Numbers from the CDC of the falling rates of circumcision suggest that public opinion about circumcision is beginning to change. When evaluating circumcision pros and cons, more American parents are choosing not to circumcise (preferring to leave the decision to remove a significant portion of a child’s genitals up to the child himself when he is old enough to make that choice); and activist groups (who call themselves “intactivists”) are lobbying pediatricians and other health care providers to stop what they call male genital mutilation. Young men sorry they were circumcised are begging parents not to cut their sons.
Some parents decide easily about whether or not to circumcise. They reach a conclusion based on the circumcision pros and cons, as they see them, often choosing to opt-out of circumcision because of the risk of acute complications. But other struggle with the circumcision decision. When a couple disagrees about circumcision pros and cons it can cause tremendous tension in the marriage.
A mom’s regret
Here is one mom’s story, in her own words, of why she decided to circumcise her son, and why she now regrets that decision.
This is a very very sensitive topic with my hubby and has caused much distress to our marriage.
My husband is Jewish, but not really practicing. We celebrate Hanukkah and Passover and that’s it. He didn’t even have a Bar Mitzvah. So when we found out we were having a son and he insisted on circumcising him, I was pretty surprised.
My hubby is generally pretty alternative when it comes to medical care and procedures. He doesn’t like doctors or prescriptions or the like.
I didn’t want to do it
I had read a lot about circumcision and how it’s not necessary and I really didn’t want to do it.
My husband insisted, his reasoning being that he was Jewish, and all the men in his family are circumcised, and all the Jews before him were.
He said he may not be practicing, but he feels like he is ethnically Jewish, and after the Holocaust and the persecution that Jews have dealt with he feels it’s even more important to identify his son as a Jew.
I tried to reason with him, trying everything I had: it’s a cosmetic procedure on a newborn, it’s dangerous, there are a lot of Jews these days who AREN’T circumcising.
I tried it all and he would not budge.
He had read in The Economist awhile back that circumcision in Africa is reducing the rate of HIV and AIDS.
I still haven’t figured out if this is accurate or not, I have found conflicting information.
I tried to tell him that our child isn’t as at risk for HIV as the men in Africa.
He is a very stubborn guy, and we had countless discussions and arguments about this.
If I refused to let my husband circumcise our son, our marriage would be over
Finally I gave up.
I just couldn’t fight about it anymore, and it was beginning to feel like if I refused, our marriage would be over. It was that bad. I made him promise to allow my doctor to perform the procedure, since I felt close to her and more comfortable with her. His parents came to the appointment (which was at 8 days old) and said a prayer in Hebrew over the baby after the procedure.
I felt terrible and cried every time I changed his diaper in the days following.
I felt extreme guilt about allowing that to happen to my son. How could I, as his mother, let someone cut off part of his penis?! How terrible!
I think my hubby was pretty shocked at both the procedure itself (he watched) and my reaction afterward.
He didn’t know it would be that bad. And he didn’t know I would be so upset.
For years this was a bone of contention with us. If ever circumcision came up in a conversation he would quickly get defensive. We eventually had to call a truce and stop talking about it.
I made it clear that I felt so much guilt for allowing it to happen, and that I regretted it so much, more than anything in my life.
I still do.
Circumcision not the norm in our town
Living in a town where being uncircumcised is the norm, at least among small children, I felt extremely self-conscious when my son would be naked in public (and still do).
Changing his diaper when we were out and about embarrassed me. I didn’t want to be THAT mom who thought it was OK to cut her son.
When around friends I always felt the need to bring it up, to explain myself, and make it clear that I didn’t agree with it.
In fact, I nearly decided not to have a third child because I was so afraid that if it was a boy I would have to go through it all again. I told my husband that if it were a boy he wouldn’t be circumcised. My husband did not agree. He said it would be awful to have one circ’ed and the other not.
Thankfully when we got pregnant again it was a girl, and when we found out I was able to relax for the rest of my pregnancy.
My son is close to four years old and I am still not at peace with this; I don’t think I ever will be.
We are lucky that he has never had any trouble with his circumcision. But he is still missing part of his penis! I can’t believe it.
I’m still close to tears when I think about it. Writing this makes my heart beat faster and makes me feel sad. I try and share my story with new moms who are thinking about circumcision pros and cons with the hopes they will realize that they may really regret it too.
If you’re the parent of a boy, what did you decide about circumcision? What, in your mind, are the pros and cons of circumcision? In retrospect, do you think the decision you made was the right one?
Related posts:
Circumcision Debate
Keep America’s Baby Boys Intact
1 in 500 Boys Experience ACUTE Circumcision Side Effects
Published: February 4, 2013
Last update: December 4, 2022
We knew when I was pregnant that, if it were a boy, we would not do it. If there’s any truth to the reduced risk of STDs, then have boys elect to do it in their teens rather than when they are babies and have no choice. I don’t even understand when parents pierce a baby’s ears, so I’m pretty much in the “don’t mark their body without their consent” camp.
That is not a helpful or compassionate comment
I’m not a people momma, only a dog momma, but I understand this kind of regret and worry. I hope this mom finds the peace she needs. When there are 2 parents involved in such decisions, it sometimes isn’t easy.
When my son was born I thought it had to be done and so I went along and had it done. But, every since that day he was having problems with it, like adhesions and other problems because it wasn’t done correctly. So, I had to have it redone and now it looks like too much was removed and doesn’t look very good. I kind of wish I never had it done in in the first place.
Thankfully, I never had to make that decision–I’m a girl mom. This mother’s guilt about the circumcision sounds so tragic.
Decisions like that can be so hard when the people involved don’t agree. Thankfully, we’ve agreed on most of our big decisions involving the kids.
I had the same issue in my house and my son is now two and I still feel the same guilt. I could really identify with this mother, I shed the same tears when I changed my sons nappy. We recently had a second son and we have not circumcised. It was a big debate with my husband (pro) and in laws(pro) and I discovered no amount of logic was going to change their mind so I gave up trying and just stated that I will not allow it. My father in law wants to discuss it again next year… Some people can not respect your decisions.
My story is so similar. I did NOT want to do this to my baby. My husband insisted. I gave in. I regret it every day and my son is almost 9 years old. His 2 younger brothers are intact thanks to him. I wish more than anything I could go back and change it, but I can’t. I try to remind myself of this quote – There are no mistakes in life, only lessons learned. The lesson I learned was to trust my instinct and listen to my heart.
I think that we, as parents, can learn from the mistakes we make. We all make ’em. But I’m surprised that these women are allowing themselves to continue to suffer and feel guilt about this years later. It seems like a lot of negative energy to carry around. I wish them peace.
I agree with Kris that we learn from our parenting mistakes. But at the time we probably made those decisions with the information we had at the time. No need to dwell on guilt.
So much heartache and all so unnecessary! In the developed world outside the USA, there is no decision. Babies male and female are delivered intact and go home intact, circumcision is not asked for and not offered. And it’s not because they don’t know any better: the rest of the English-speaking world tried it, found it did no good, and has all given it up – with no ill-effects. The non-religious circumcision rate is vestigial in New Zealand and the UK, under one in 8 in Australia. A generation has grown up looking different from their fathers, with no problems there either.
*has all but given it up
We had this same debate before our only child was born. My husband was for it and I was against. He didn’t know much about it, he just felt that he was and so he’d want his son to be. However, the doula who also held the prenatal classes we attended had books on all sorts of subjects, including circumcision. It only took a few minutes of looking at one of those books to change my husband’s mind. For all other mom’s facing this, get your husband some pictures and point out the pain and trauma this procedure causes. There is also evidence that, as with female circumcision, albeit not to the same degree, it does diminish sexual pleasure later. Most husbands don’t realize the potential loss of sensation or how painful this procedure is – indeed, until fairly recently, doctors and other medical professionals insisted that infants didn’t experience pain in the same way, etc. It’s hard to fathom, especially as it was routine for baby boys to cry for hours after the procedure, but humans have a great capacity for denial.
The problem with comparing male and female circumcision is that, on a purely physical level, no circumcision (among men too) is alike. There are grades of harm done, just as there are different level or grades of female circumcision/mutilation: from a pin prick upwards. I, as a victim, have seen ‘far worse’ cases than mine online – images uploaded by other men needing advice. Just as I have seen cases far ‘better’ too.
Yet, why it is especially so disgusting for the two forms to be compared is that everything, even a scrape cut, is a complete violation of a child’s dignity, well-being and sexuality. I cannot put into words the hurt of feel. I had not known this kind of anger before, and for so long. I continue to feel betrayed and lied to. It is very difficult for me, now that I am no longer in denial, to have contact with my callous parents. My intact father knew what he was denying me, but both were and are extreme Christian puritans with a sense of responsibility so utterly distorted that it leaves one feeling like property.
To compare and say one is not as bad as the other is to deny the rights and feelings of another.
As for my sexual experiences – a disaster. I often struggled to orgasm. There were times when I felt like was looking in through the window at myself and my partner – longing to be a part. To have that intimacy and sensation. I have been single for years and I worry everytime I attempt dating. It’s easier to avoid sex, though I hope my years of restoration will help me to feel more open to it in the future.
My first real girlfriend (a German) took one long at me and said: “I am sorry they took most of your sensitivity away”. I recently met up with another ex for coffee and asked her directly. She said the moment she first saw me in the nude, she knew I have been traumatised in an extreme way as a baby and that this would be a part of my make up as a person.
My girlfriends suffered too of course, they just didn’t say so. It only became obvious to me later that the reason for their dryness and inability to have real orgasms – or even gentle sex – was because of my mutilation.
My penis was cut in 1947, at the insistence of an old-fashioned doctor in England. It was only at puberty that I discovered that my sex-life had been impacted, to the point where I was unable to orgasm. After a struggle I did manage to father a son. Did I want him to be mutilated? Of course not, and 30 years later, he is still intact with no penis problems.
Tragically. many Jewish, Moslem and American fathers are Adamant Fathers, with deep seated psychosexual and conformist insecurities centering on how the most intimate part of the male body looks. Last century, about 100 million newborn Canadian and American boys were routinely circumcised shortly after birth. Anesthesia was almost never used. During the first half of last century, the doctors performing RICs were usually intact. The nurse restraining the boy had an intact husband. The father of the boy being circumcised was usually intact. Millions and millions of mothers did not notice that the moving foreskin made foreplay easier and PIV less brutal. I conclude that English speaking women sleepwalked through their marital sex lives. A major reason why circumcision is in decline in the USA, despite the fence sitting of the American medical profession, is that women are paying closer attention to how their sex lives work in practice, and are sharing what they have learned via social media.
This was a huge issue between my husband and myself. We argued over it until I took a tactic that I would not normally employ. I stopped discussing it, realizing that he was never going to set up an appointment to get it done and I wasn’t going to allow it to happen in the hospital. The baby comes out perfect and this is not an improvement on Nature’s/God’s design. My son is grateful and I feel very fortunate that his wife agrees that boys should stay intact as they have two sons.
I worked for many years as an OB nurse then a prenatal nurse. I made no attempt to hide my strong belief that I was advocating for the child whose body it was and whose decision it should be. It is healthy, functional tissue and the reasons to support routine infant circumcision are weak and would not hold up for any other elective surgery on a minor. Consider our country’s stance on female genital mutilation. I believe it is perpetuated because the fathers do not want to have to admit/face that it should not have been done to them.
Thanks for sharing your story, Laura. Glad you found a work around to your husband’s resistance to leaving your son intact.
Thank Jennifer for sharing your story,my story is a lot like yours,my ex felt our son needed to be just like him and the doctor saying all of the health benefits and it was a simple procedure.i feel horrible for allowing such a thing to happen to my child,why is this still legal and the way they say routine circumsion,it’s crazy,how we as a society find this normal.my little guy has had no complications but it was his body his choice.I will pay for foreskin restoration should he want it and I will fight until one day this horrible procedure be banned in hospitals
My wife is due to deliver our little boy in April. This has been such a struggle for me to make this decision. I am a medical professional so of course I ask my coworkers their opinions and so many of them are procirc and think I’m a fool for thinking otherwise. They think my son will had me later in life if I dont do this. I was circumcised as a baby and have not suffered any repercussions that I am aware of but I am curious as to what I might be missing out on. Anyway, I so appreciate these posts it makes me feel so much better. Of course there are outlying cases of older males with issues that require adult circumcision and of course that is a con for not doing it for my son.
Thanks for sharing this with us, Dan. It was honestly a hard decision for us too–not because of medical reasons but because I am Jewish and to not circumcise meant bucking thousands of years of tradition. Two of my brothers also chose NOT to circumcise their sons. We didn’t talk about it. We all came to the decision independently. I can say now that I am so so glad. It’s my son’s body and it’s his choice. My husband, who is circumcised and feels the way you do, also wishes–in retrospect–that the decision had been left up to him. If you do decide to leave your baby intact, it’s very important to educate yourselves about proper intact care. Do NOT let a doctor retract your son’s foreskin. American doctors who are not educated about proper care often harm a baby’s penis. Then the baby “has” to get circumcised. But what really happened was an iatrogenic problem! The chapter on circumcision in my book, Your Baby, Your Way, may also be helpful. You can get the book from the library or on-line: https://amzn.to/2SYqBh9
Dan, you are doing a great job really thinking about this and not just going with the flow. I would encourage you to look at what medical orgs outside the US say about this. Read what Denmark and Iceland, and many other countries say about circumcision. They believe the child’s right to keep his healthy body parts is so important. Also, they have researched circumcision harms which American doctors don’t seem to want to do. They have found high rates of meatal stenosis among the small percentage that do circumcise there. It’s really only the US medical system that is promoting this as a cure for possible problems. But in fact, proper care for babies and kids, simple hygiene for teens and up, and safe sex practices later on, are the things that prevent problems. Check out this link for proper care for babies, yourwholebaby.org/basic-intact-care. The rest of the site has tons of info too – research studies, and links to groups you can join for support. Boys are not born needing surgery. <3 Thank you for researching on behalf of your son!
It’s a hard decision for a lot of parents. Know that this is part of being a parent. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions. We can’t predict every outcome. We can do our best with the information we have. While I have opinions about circumcision, I respect that the parents are responsible for their child and must make the decision and do what they believe is best for their family.
Jennifer what is your advice for grieving over this? I lost my fight to my children’s dad twice and both of my sons are circumcised and I cried after the first I can’t believe I went through the second. I felt so pressured and now the depression and grief is all consuming. My kids are one and five. I feel scared with the reality of what I’ve done to my kids and paralyzed with guilt and sadness. I don’t have anyone but my counselor to talk to about it but she has girls. Oh how I wish I could change my decisions.
Dear Emily, that is so hard. I’m so sorry. I think the best way to help get through this is twofold: 1) Work hard on self forgiveness (we all make mistakes. Believe me). The book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay can help a lot with that. Maybe start a small group of moms that meet weekly and read/work through the book together? The second way is to become a children’s health advocate and to share your story with other parents. You will find your tribe that way–so many amazing, loving, wonderful parents who are also regret moms and dads–and you will also be helping save other babies from this procedure. Join Intact America, which is a wonderful organization. And also find a Your Whole Baby chapter in your town and ask them how you can get involved. Bloodstained Men is another organization that regularly holds rallies. They have very in-your-face tactics, which some people don’t like but others really appreciate. Hang in there. And thank you for reading this and for taking the time to ask this question.
Dear Emily, I just want to say with others here that your feelings are valid. Circumcision is so deeply entrenched in USA culture, that it’s out of the norm to feel as you do, yet it’s completely logical and right. Circumcision is a wound to the newborn child. Our system has failed you and your sons. Instead of protecting them, and backing you, our system cares about money and about never confession they were wrong about something. Doctors should grow a conscience and throw down those stupid clamps, performing surgeries ONLY on the very rare cases of medical need.
I’m so sorry your sons have been hurt in this way. I can’t tell you it doesn’t matter, but I can tell you that there is a way forward. All of us have made mistakes as parents, and at least you know the truth! So many are still too stubborn to admit the decision was/is wrong and that it hurts rather than helps the child. They see circumcision as some sort of upgrade, or entrance into “normal” circles.
Please know that being honest with your sons and giving them your regrets is all you need to do. You can do more, but that is all you owe. There are many men who are angry at their parents over circ, because the parent doesn’t care! The parent insists it was for his good and he’s a crybaby. Your sons won’t have to know that pain if they someday wish they were intact. They’ll have a loving mother who is honest and humble about this.
Please check out this page with more resources, including a support group. If you do wish to do more, you can add your voice to the many who are speaking out! https://www.yourwholebaby.org/for-regret-parents
Love and peace to you, and to your sons. Many of us work every single day to end this nightmare for babies, and for their compassionate regretful parents.
I have done a lot of reading on it. A member of my husbands family all but said we were crazy for leaving our now three sons intact because, in their experience, it always led to infection and such. The problem I had with that, though I didn’t argue much, was that they didn’t seem to know proper care and I’m sure that is what led to issues with their children. We have never had an issue. We have/will let our sons figure out retraction on their own and would never do that for them prematurely because it can lead to infection. In terms of sexual health, circumcised men need more friction and don’t stay as lubricated and that actually makes it more difficult for the woman, too! Sex experts I have followed address this as an issue, often. We also had Christians question our choice, and while I am a Christian (my husband is not) I regard it as being an old testament practice. On top of that, circumcision today is not the same as it was then. If I recall correctly, they didn’t remove as much of the foreskin, at the time. As for any health benefits, most, if not all, are addressed by good hygiene practices. Even the American cancer society states that, while it was previously thought to help prevent penile cancer, that is not necessarily the case. My husband wishes that he had had a choice, but it was done to him as a baby and it cannot be taken back. Most people today seem to do it for aesthetic purposes and most of the world doesn’t even practice circumcision. There are also cases where elderly men have problems with hygiene, which presents an issue, but I would say the pros outweigh the cons by a mile. It is your decision in any case.
Dan,
My son is intact. I am not. I think son asked once. He’s 13 now. It is pretty much a non-factor other than having to deal with a belligerent nurse who hurt his penis when he was 5 days old. That’s it! I read a little and taught him to keep it clean, which hasn’t been a problem. Deep breath and realize you can let go of the angst. You will be fine. He will be fine. Mom’s gonna be fine. Read Jennifer’s articles about not pulling foreskin back.
Years from now, it’ll still be fine, and if it comes up over beers, he may even thank you.
Hi Dan, I have two sons age 27 and 15. Neither one is circumcised and neither son as had any infections or problems of any sort.
We talked about the supposed health benefits of circumcision but they didn’t really hold true. We were left with cosmetic reasons, look like Dad and other boys etc… These seemed ridiculous. After watching a video of a baby being strapped down and circumcised I knew I could never traumatize my son like that.
I have never regretted the decision
My husband is european and my parents left both my brothers intact. Neither had any issues with it. When we started thinking about kids we very briefly discussed it and were on the same page that it’s unnecessary and potentially harmful. Our intact boy is six months old now. I can’t imagine having an open wound in a dirty diaper or pulling back the remaining skin to avoid adhesions and skin bridges. I hope the tides continue to turn. I think it’s a barbaric practice.
My husband is very in favor of circumcision and I am very against it. I have three girls and one boy (he’s the youngest). When each of my girls were born I was so relieved they were girls (we never found out the gender during pregnancy) so I wouldn’t have to deal with the circumcision issue. While I was pregnant with my son, we had our final debate about circumcision and I told my husband that if the baby was a boy, he would be circumcised over my dead body. My husband said, “Fine. Then it’s on your head if later on he wishes he was circumcised.” I accepted and will always accept that responsibility gladly. My husband’s main concern is the whole “he’ll get made fun of in the locker room” thing, which I don’t buy as a valid argument for circumcision. My son just turned 2 and every time I change his diaper I am proud that I stood up for him and left him intact. I can only imagine the guilt I would have felt every time I changed him if I had allowed him to be mutilated.
ETA: I have yet to hear an argument that validates circumcision.
My husband and I were not in agreement. We had an agreement early in our marriage if there wasnt consensus, we would not act. And we argued alot. Before we found out the gender, we were interviewing doctors and chose Integrative Pediatrics. Dr. Paul had a very real conversation with my husband was swayed his view. Having another Male talk to him, and not just a ‘fanatic mother’ changed his viewpoint on the procedure.
I am a regret mom. I occasionally beat myself up for it, but I can’t change the past, so I don’t want to give one mistake more power over my life than it deserves. If it is crippling guilt, it is best to forgive yourself. I console myself with the knowledge that many men I know are glad they are. It wasn’t my right to do that to my child, but I have made many other loving and wise decisions on his behalf, and most of all gave him life, so I try to remember that as well 🙂
Write a letter to yourself and to your babies now, not to their future selves but who they are now. Tell yourself and them what happened and why and ask for forgiveness. If you give it to them later in life, that’s up to you but do it for yourself today. You can decide later in life if anyone else needs to read this letter. Then celebrate the positive: they lived, the doctor didn’t cut more than he did, no infection or massive blood loss. Remember you did the best you could with who was involved. Cry now and be ready to get up because those boys still need you.
Circumcision is not about health. It is an initiatory rite, which until the Hebrews came along had always been done at puberty, as far as I can tell. I’ve not seen evidence of any culture before them applying it to infancy.
It is a symbol of the female applied to the male. It is a rather sad attempt by the male to imitate the female power of reproduction and life-giving.
It’s a symbol of “opening”, a literal bloody ring or circle of flesh removed from the male. In other places this idea was symbolized by a long incision made lengthwise on the male member, creating an oval scar, instead. Same idea, different method. At the extreme end of the scale it results in complete castration.
Various people around the world have symbolized females becoming pubescent and thus available to the tribe by:
-A plate inserted in the lip at puberty, gradually increasing in size as the female grows older.
-Rings/blocks expanding the earlobes
-Nose or lip bones, stones, rings, etc.
-Knocking out the front teeth
And plenty more you can discover for yourself if you’re so inclined. All of these are indicative of “openings”. Male circumcision is an imitation of these previously feminine types of opening. It doesn’t have a damn thing to do with health or cleanliness and never did. It came about as a result of individualized fatherhood being understood, and the males then wanting to adopt their own symbols of potency and virility. Before that point it was all just mothers, their daughters, and the males as a sort of generalized whole. Once fatherhood was individualized the males adapted those existing symbols to their own use; so the female power of life-giving, with its oval symbols, its hole-in-the-stone or tree symbols and so on, was imaged on the males as a slit cut in the penis, or a bloody ring of flesh removed from that generative organ, or other forms of opening. All very “simple” and understandable, in its way.
But again, it was an intiatory rite of puberty until one group came along and transferred it to infancy at just 8 days, and that is simply evil. There is no other word for it. It’s pure evil to mutilate the body of an infant. This madness should stop. At least at puberty individuals have some input in the decision, even if the decision is heavily influenced by societal pressure that amounts to cult behavior. An infant is helpless. Anyone who circumcises one is guilty of a great crime, in my opinion.